i'm always late on these month updates.
sooooooo january eh...

why was january so confusing for me?
meh. shit happened. some good. some bad.
but nothing life shattering. i went to blue mountain for the second
time... which was awesome. i have good friends.
not just chalet friends lol other friends. all friends.
so many good people. it's nice.
i wish i seen my friend friends more. but it's hard cause i'm always
working until 11pm or later. ballsy. i miss them always and text and call
as much as i can. i hate when i feel like a bad person or something
for not having time to see them. the only time i go out out is when people
from work literally book weekends or nights off in the book off book, so
then i'm forced to do something. then i leave my other friends. and iunno.
i feel bad sometimes. i hope they know i care and don't want them to think
i'm distant. that's a big fear of mine. coming across as a bad friend.
lol i always think that. it's probably a probelm.

anyway.

work - 8
friends - 8
family - 7
money - 8
'love' - 5
self stuff - 4

january went fasssssssst. stuff that started in december kinda ended recently.
with no real reason. and no real confirmation lol. so it's awkward.
i won't even get into that.

anyway FEBRUARY is looking good though.
you know why?

cause of my NEW CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

2009 mitsubishi lancer.
oh it's beautiful. it's my baby. i love it more than any possesion i've owned.
it wasn't that expensive. it was a year old so it wasn't the 27,000 like a brand
new one is. it is amazing. i'm still in shock that i actually literally bought
it lol. it happened fast and i kept it on the downlow cause i didnt wanna ginx it.
but now that it's there, sitting in my driveway, i'm so fucking happy.
about that at least.
that makes life A LIL better in some way lol.
my life-o-meter went up at least 40 percent.


don't mind the crappy quality on the camera phone pic haha
real pics will come soon.
sigh. that's the only thing that's making me smile these days lol.
the beauty that awaits me every morning.

oh life. so silly sometimes. amirite?

OOPS i'm late a month on my random rating updates bahaha.
sooo here are both?

october.
work - 8.5
friends - 7.5
familia - 5
love - 1
self stuff - 2

i don't even remember much of that month. i think it sucked.
same ol shit anyway. i think i went on one date. that didn't
go well. lol such is life. his name was dave.
and he didn't even drink half his beer. wtf.
not that i want an alcoholic but iunno we just didn't click.
it was weird and boring and i felt like it went pretty shitty.
halloween suckedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
the costume part was fun tho. obvi. but the rest sucked.
that's it thaat's all with that month.

november.
work - 7.5
friends - 7.5
familia - 3
love - 2
self stuff - 2

november was new york so that was good. i had sooo much fun.
and we went to connecticut too which was soooo fun.
i spent a lotttttt of money though. not smart of my part.

BUT HEY I'M FUCKING MOVING. ugh
so depressing. since this is my second move of the month.
whatev. anyway that's all i gotta say.
i don't know what's going on now.
i've been off lately.
off my rocker or something lol.
may i repeat....
I'M MOVING IN ONE WEEK OMGGGGGGGGGGGG.

september went even faster than august.
october is already going fast cause there's so much involved.
not really. just cause like i only go out once a week, saturday.
sometimes friday. if those two days are booked for some sort of
outting, my week becomes full lol.
i'm working a lot. 40 hours a week at jacks and 8 at shoe club.
good times. i'm lying actually. jacks has been really drama
filled lately but whatev.
nothing really changes. except for that thing that happened in september
that i semi regret but it's ok. no regeetsss!!!

i'm not very happy. i'm quite the opposite. but there's nothing i really
do about it but ignore it and work more lol.
it will all be ok.

work - 7.7
friends - 8
family - 5
love - 6
selflovelol - 4

i can't wait for halloween! zombie cheerleader here i come.

okay so august came and went in a blink of an eye.

the only good part was wasaga for 8 days and the blink concert right after that.

family = 4.5
money = 7
friends = 9
self stuff = 5
work = 8
love = 4

i wish i had a career type job but wishing gets you nowhere.
it's not as easy as i used to think it would be lol.
who am i kidding.

anyway. i had boy options before.
now i don't.

i'm okay with it. still tryna figure out life stuff, ya kno?

anyway. to hell with it all.
really.

september has been shaping up to the worst.

all i do is eat ice cream. drink. and smoke.
oh and work work work work work.
but that's good. i enjoy work cause work = money.
i just wish it wasn't jack astors and i didn't have to slave
away at a job i barely like.

mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

everything IS bigger in Texas.
just saying.

*sigh*

merrrrrr i said august would be amazing.
two things were amazing.
wasaga for a week was great and blink and weezer and tbs was the best
concert i've ever been to in my entire life.

annnnnnd that's all i gotta say.
camping tomorrow somewhere far with jack astors people.
that's it that's all.
p.s note to self- stop drinking. soon. like september?

school - 0 hahaha no school is weird.
family - 6.5
friends - 7 (i still dont see them enough!!)
work - 6
love - 4 AHHH THIS NUMBER ISNT NEGATIVE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
self love - 4

july came and went so fast i don't even remember it.
key things are... i should stop drinking.
i should stop going out to eat.
i should stop eating.
i should stop being a lard ass.
i should stop hating weight.
i should stop caring.
i should leave shoe club and jacks and get a 'real job'
that will come. eventually.

august will be amazing.
i say this now and mean it.
cottage for 8 days august 15th.
then blink 182 concert with ela. and staff party hammerage.
also this month... taste of danforth! and in sept CNE!!! my favourite
(besides ribfest) lol.

woot.woot.
if only i had a car. vroom fucking vroom.

i've been weird lately.
like confused or uncertain. or maybe it's just indifferent.
i feel like i don't know what the future holds and i probably spend too much time
worried about to a point where i'm probably missing out lol.
i can't help it though. i am so worried.
and i'm a bit down. i mean about my future and the uncertainity it holds.
i hate that feeling. of not knowing. i like to know. and plan. and hold to those
things. but when i don't know and don't have set plans i feel awkward and so
not in control. and then i weird and sadish i guess.

anyway. i mean this isn't just about career and goals in life wise. but it is
mainly that.
but i feel like i keep trying and keep hoping but maybe i'm not trying enough.
i feel like i was meant for so much more and i'm sitting and doing nothing
and i'm wasting the little time i have on this world lol not that i have little
time but i mean life IS short, right?
i should be doing something now right? something other than working 40 hours
a week and a restaurant i'm sick of and hate 94 percent of the time.
ugh. i wish things would happen. or i maybe i just wish i could get away.
i want to move like far.
like far far away.
i don't know why i just feel like it would do me good.
but who knows anymore. i sure don't.

anyway besides all that future life b.s there's more to it that i'm confused
about or maybe it's mostly just that i'm hessitant.
i don't even think i should speak of it.
i don't want to speak about boys.
boys are trouble.
boys can put goals on hold or maybe it's just silly girls that do that to
themselves lol.
i really don't know. what to think or feel or desire or what i know.

i'm in a limbo stage righht now.
with a blindfold.
just floating lol.

sucks.
ass.
hard.

sigh.

school - OVER muahaha
family - 4
friends - 7.8
work - 7
money - 7
love - 0
self love - 4

the good thing is my friends made my bday amazing.
i don't deserve it but soo many of my friends made me feel nice
even just hugs and cakes made me feel realllllly happy at that time.
but that was mid june.

june went by super fasst. the faster days go by the more shitty i feel.
work is cutting my hours. i need work to make money. i need money to live.

shit is hitting the fan even more because i am forced to move again.
the plus side is it will be out malton. i hate malton.
but i'm pissed.
family stuff isn't good and my living situation is worst.

bah.
july will breezze by i can feel it.
i wonder where the fuck i'll be living by the end of this month.
booo :(
i miss the old days when i didn't have to dish out an arm and leg for rent.
or worry about having a roof over my head. ugh.
it sucks.

i'm really unhappy right now and have been lately.

whatevs.

good day and good night.

happy 4 day celebration me.
happy work every minute of my life me.

friday i worked til 12 then celebrated my bday with 3982 drinks and cake.(with jacks ppl)
saturday i worked 11-5 then went to circa and celebrated my bday with
a few drinks. (with a mix of people mainly friends friends and sis and cous and others)
sunday/today i worked 5-11:45. celebrated my bday for reals this time
with another cake and a few shots. (jacks ppl again.)
later tomorrow/today i'll wake up. celebrate my bday with lunch with fam.
work 6-9 then go out with friends friends and celebrate my bday again lol.
life ain't as sweet as i'm making it seem.
i mean. my friends. even my co-workers.
are fucking amazing like i never even knew people gave a shit about me enough to
buy me cakes and make me cards and come by my work just to get me a drink and a
hug. like i feel so undeserving. i always do.
and it's not even my real bday yet!!!
well now it is. but i mean it wasn't until like 3 hours ago.
and all this bday love came since friday.
it's crazy.

anyways BESIDES THAT.that aside.

mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i've been mehhhhhhhhhh. probably cause i'm always working.
and i do miss my friends friends.
i always do.
but i really never get to see them or talk to them cause i'm alwayssss working.
it's just sad.

but it's hard i mean have to pay rent. and my 9485 bills.
and save for my car.
so i need work.
i need that to do all the above. right?

i've been in a funk. especially after the move. then i had cuba which helped
a bit but even IN cuba i was in a funk.
shit is just so different now.
i'm still very funked lol.
if that even makes sense.

i'll stop being weird now.

i miss everyone.
i always do.

i have jacks friends. who are very nice.
but i still have a dozen friend friends from high school, else where and even humber
that i miss dearly. :(
the circa thing was meh.
the place is too big.
a lot of people got sick.
a lot of people said they would come and didn't.
a lot of people i'm not mad at. i'm just saying.
some people i really would have liked to have seen.
but c'est la vie.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life
oh birthdays.

happy 22nd to me.

OLA BITCHES.

fuck so. it's june already. when the fuck did that happen.
uh. i've been busy. busy doing what? nothing. working.
that's literally all i do.
well i'm back from cuba... my first trip to a beachy place... ever!
but i'm not on vacation sooo it's back to slaving away at work.
BTW cuba was good. got wayyyyyyy too tanned i'm literally black now.
i ate a lot. and no i didn't fall in love or get piece.
it was all sun sun sun. swim swim. eat eat. drink drink. and repeat.
but that's over now.
i'm working like a crazy person. still at both places but i'm
pulling over 40 hours a week at jacks now cause of no school...
i miss school!
surprisingly.

it's good to work cause money is good i mean i have to pay rent now.
i never used to. annnd i'm still saving for a car.
and i have bills to pay so luckily the money thing is ok so far.
the rest of life is not so okay. but i'm living.
i guess if u call working and then drinking living hah.

i don't do anything.
i guess i needed that 7 day escape to cuba with friends.
but like i said it's over now.
i'm already super tired from working and i've only been back since wed.
i've been back since wednesday and i've already worked 35 hours wtf lol.

school- 0 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DONE SCHOOL!!!
work - 6.5
money - 8.5
family - 5.5
friends - 5.5
love - 1
self shit - 1

i feel like i've been single for ever. and i have been.
i mean i think i'm a bit tainted now. like as in i'm anti dating.
i think i don't want to have a bf for at least a few years.
and i don't go on dates with boys or look for boys cause why would i.
it would only be a waste of time.
when i'm not working i'm sleeping eating or text my like 4 real friends
about how tired or hungry i am lol.
my life is meh but i'm ok with the way it is.
i feel like dating and boys and that shit just complicates things.
makes life even more of a 'curfuffle' than it is.
so i'm pretty anti-boys/dating right now.

i tell everyone this so it will stick.
people at work and stuff keep trying to bug me about why i don't
have guy stories or go out with this or that guy but i say hey listen.
i don't date. i don't want to see anyone. now or for a while.
i think people are starting to think i'm a prude pussy but i'm not lol
i'm just realizing there is a lot more to life than boys and dates.
i mean, aren't I right??

annnnnnnnyways.
sooo what's next.
well june i plan to...
- work lol.
- see chanel to give her bday gifts.
- poker party at my sisters (lol i forgot i live her too) for her bday.
- my 'party' for my own bday.
- grad at the end of june.

can you believe i live here now. it still hasn't hit me.
i hate malton.
i hate this place.
i hate rent.
i hate my fat.
i hate a lot.

but there's a bright side and sadly the only thing that is good is
dolladollabills.
if i work this much my realisitc 'dream' car won't be too far away.
hmmm if i work 40 hours a week that means over 1100 a month on hourly
alone. then add like 400 a week on tips.
then add shoe club pay which is only like 80 bucks but still.

not too shabby,
let's just hope i don't ever step foot near a mall or near an online
shopping store of some sort and i'll be a.o.k.

oh future car. how i will see you soon. i swear i will.
that is all.

april 2009 and moving forward Heather will:
- has officially grown up.
- realized never to underappreciate a roof over your head
- gives up on trying to be happy. it won't come. it never comes.
and if it ever does it won't be any time soon. that's the mystery of life.

fuck this. and you. and everything inbetween.
i will not sleep. or talk. or give a shit about anything
but this situation right now.

4 more days of school.
4 more days before they lock me out of the house.
here's where the miracle comes in:
4 more days must also include
- dentist, doctor, eyebrows,laundry, hep B needle,
3 radio shows, 3 interviews edited,demo reel completed, grad photos.

big parties friday and saturday but i don't have time to think about
those.
OH YA AND COURT FOR MY SPEEDING TICKET ON FRIDAY MORN.
fuck. my. entire. existence.

Picture me being stressed/upset/sad/depressed/angry... think of the most i've ever been
and multiply that by 1,000. I'm forced to change my entire life.
everything has to change. I've never been good with change.
Imagine this big of a change.
MOVING? REALLY? everything? really? in less than a week.
I CAN'T. i don't want to. i'm selfish and immature and being a baby but
WHAT THE FUCK. damnit.
I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING GO.
I can't believe this is ACTUALLY happening to me.

Even after the move I'll be forced to pay rent and all this stuff.
I mean, I KNOW it would have happened eventually but i've been working
my ass off to buy a fucking car. not to move out and pay rent.
I don't know. maybe i'm just a baby.
I just feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO unready for ALL of this.
I like plans I like warnings I like to think about things first.
but this... there's no time to think. I must just do. and after this
I'll be living God knows where and paying rent.
That's not even the thing though.
I just don't want to leave here! MY HOME. my home for forever. since forever.

but I can bitch and complain all I want and nothing will change. at all.
that's the worst part. it's all happening. and I have no say.
sooo that's that. I guess it's hitting me more and more as the days go by.
I'm so stressed and sad and angry and frustrated and scared and retarded lol.
It really sucks.

a million times more than any other lame boy sadness or gaining a few lbs
sadness lol. this is REAL LIFE huge life altering type sadness.

I apologize in advance if I happen to disappear for a bit.
I may be attempting to find the perfect cliff to jump off of.
seriously. this is the worst thing i could imagine.
paired with the worst timing in my life.

fuck.my.entire.actual.life.right.now.andmovingforward. :(:(:(

1 week left of school.
1 week left of worst week ever.

must do a lot of things including.
file taxes.
sign up for grad photos.
take grad photos.
host the show.
interview brother for music report.
empty out my folders at school.
complete editing demo.
burn demo to a few dvds and hopefully even copy it to dv tape.
talk to teacher about my resume.
talk to teacher about my cover letter.
get hep b needle before friday.
MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE I'VE LIVED IN FOR 15 YRS OF MY LIFE.


I'M FUCKING PISSED. and sad. so sad. i'm moving and i have ONE WEEK
to move EVERYTHING in my ENTIRE HOUSE.
sigh. long story short = my mom and dad and i have to move. in one week.
terrible. i know. where we will live has not been confirmed yet lol. manoman.

all this before thursday of next week.
:(
very very sad.

it's 2 in the morning and I have to be up for school for 7 ahh.

but anyway before i forget... can you believe i don't
even remember the reason for that weird meltdown i had like last month.
i was a mess.
i'm not a mess now. but i do feel a slight merr to me.
because school is almost over and i won't get a job for a while
and that makes me sad. but i'm nowhere what i was like during that
sticky weird phase. i have nooooo idea why i was so sad.
kinda funny how i forgot.
and weird too.

but anyway.
oh and that other thing.
i'm not sad about it just really surprised and indifferent.
and a bit shafted. i feel a bit like 'oh ok... sooooooo it's me.'
but yeah it's not me. it's life.
i'm so immature sometimes and get all weird when stuff happens
that's clearly not worth caring about.
sooo with that said i'll stop caring and writing right.......now.

g'day!

wtf happened in march?
oh yeahhhhhhh Global.
oh me oh my I miss it.
I liked Global.
It was fun. but my money situation sucked and everything else too.

friends - 5 (never seen anyone for like all 4 weeks)
family - 6
school - 5 (I was only at school twice a week cause of Global!)
self shit - 4
health - 4
love - 0

it was a bit of a stressful month.

oh so that thing i was so super nervous about was my Much Music Vj screen test.
I made this audition tape thing that took me sooooooooooo long to do.
I spent so much time at school after hours just so I could work on it.
It was all on the d.l cause i'm superstituous and swear whenever I tell people
about something too much, i ginx it and fuck it up lol.
so i told no one but chanel cause she helped me with make up.
and my sister and parents who drove me since i'm STILL car-less.
I GUESS i did something right since they called me back for a screen
test a day after i handed in my audition.
it went good today. I guess.
the screen test was a scary experience.
it was short and fast and nerve-wracking.
but whatevs. I tried my best and I'm okay with it.
I'm happy it's over now. the audition. and the screen test.
now i can get back to life.


3 more weeks of school omg.

My april must consist of:

- getting that hep b shot
- paying off visa debt
- exchanging a lot of clothes
- eating healthier
- catching up with friends
- cleaning my junk around the house
- making a demo reel of some sort before school is over
- tweeking my website
- tweeking my resume
- tweeking my life? lol

after april my life will probably be boring.
i'll be graduating and then what?
nothing, basically. i'll be on a quest to find a job but let's
be honest... anyone who knows the state of 'journalism' right now
would know it's the worst possible time to get a job in the field.
soo that's that :(

there's nothing else going on in my life.
no boyfriends or boys period.
if i do go out it's to a concert to interview toronto bands for school.
now that i'm done global i'm back to working everyday.
i want a car.
i want to look and feel better.
sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i had a boy.
but then i remember what relationships do to me and i think it's better
to keep myself on the forefront and not distact myself with boy issues.
sooo i'm purposely keeping myself as far away from boys as possible lol.

it's working okay so far.
i've gone quite long without one. i can last a lot longer.

worked til 11pm ish today at jacks.
super tired.
school in the morn and then work at shoe.

the end.

uh oh. i've been so nervous about this weekend that i keep eating.
i'm emotionall eating lol i haven't in a while. i think i've been too
stressed with my internship and now this thing on sunday.
i'm SO nervous about it i don't even want to go out on saturday night.
i don't think i will go out on saturday night.

i feel like i've gained weight. which makes me even more emotional and
stressed lol.
4 more weeks until school is over FOREVER.
i can't even believe it.

i won't get into why/what's happening on sunday.
i haven't even told anyone except my sister, brothers and one other person.
i don't want to ginx it.
i have this thing where if i tell too many people, it's like bad luck...

i'm so nervous i could cry.
you can quote me on this: i've never been so nervous in my life about this
sunday. i feel like my entire future depends on this. lol. its' so lame.
that's another reason why i don't want to get into what it is.
cause it's a bit embarassing and i don't want people to know i want this
as bad as i do.

but anyway. i should be writing. i should be preparing.
i said i would start preparing on monday... it's already almost friday
and i'm not ready. i'm not ready cause i'm still so fucking nervous.
i keep delaying it. here i am writing on this stupid thing when i should
be preparing lol.
i'm lame.
and i've been smoking more too which is ugh.
and alone. i'm not even socially smoking.
i'm smoking 5 or more ALONE. wtf.

speaking of which i'm going to have one more for the night.
and then write and prepare for sunday. and then shower. and then prepare more
and then sleep and then go to work in the morning.
then do the interview with that band. etcetc...

i need to make things better. i still need to relax.
key signs heather's life isn't in control right now:
i'm breaking out. i'm smoking way too much. i'm not going out with friends.
i'm gaining weight. and i'm sleeping 4 hours a day. ahhhhhhhh.

it's ok though. it will all be ok... after sunday.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhso.nervous.sooooofuckingnervous.

the end.

My internship is almost done.
Which is sad because I think Sean O'Shea is SOOO great. He's really good to
his interns and let's me do stuff and takes me to lunch lol.
And he's been a reporter for 31 years so he's obviously great at what he does.

I'm going to link to his stuff so I never lose it...
And I'm looking at wedding dresses in wedding special 2 so that's exciting too lol

http://canwest.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/canwest-globalontario-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=consumersosmedium

oh i forgot to mention i finally got my first checkup
at the doctors. yes my first ever.
i got some regular blood work done and got mt results. I'm Anemic.
i have to take iron supplements.
however, i'm very stupid and silly when it comes to this stuff.
i doubt anyone can change my mind.
i took them once and felt like a bag of SHIT. i almost threw up everywhere.

why would i want to go through that again?

i never want to take them again... though i have to.
ugh. the doctor said "two a day for 6 months."
blahblahblah i hate doctors.
SUPPLEMENTS SHMUPPLEMENTS.

i don't want to. i might. eventually.
it's just how i am. hence why i have never gotten a regular check in my
entire life. i'm anti doctors and anti medication and anti supplements.
so there's that.

i have a headache.
i was laughing by myself at random facebookness.
but now i am back to being bitter hahaha.

the end.

ooh goody. march is halfway over.

i've been doing okay i suppose.
i went to so many shows recently so that's fun and productive school
cause i do reports for humber's radio show.

i seen illscarlett way too much recently lol.
p.s since i don't think i wrote about it on here,
the best day of my life still is/was when they came to my school and
i interviewed them and later smoked with them. sigh.

the week after that i went to this mtv charity event, where a few bands
were playing, including ill again. so i did that and it was sweet because
i was ''part of the media'' so i didn't have to wait in line or pay.
and i got to stay in the special ''media section'' and they fed us free stuff lol.
i like free.

the the other day i went to sound academy to see down with webster and ill AGAIN.
and that turned out to always be free!
soooo sweet deal as far as that goes.

global is tiring. but it's okay because it's global and it's good for experience
and good for my resume!

in april i'm going to have to work my butt off to catch up to my lack of school
and hopefully all will be well. i can't believe a month and a half until
i'm done school forever! crazy...

what else..........
oh BRITNEY SPEARS on wednesday.
i scored sweet SUPER LAST MINUTE tickets for section 115 row 6!!
annnd for may i have Dane Cook tickets that i bought and recieved already.

hmm and two april shows at revival and tattoo rock parlous.
i think that's it... oops it's late and i must be on the radio tomorrow.

ahhhhhh

xox